Referee

And just like that... you go from Mom to referee. Sometimes the one that makes good calls. Others, bad ones. But you have to make the call. You are there to keep people safe, from self destruction and hurting others. You are there to keep the game fair to throw penalty flags at the ones not playing by the rules.

I remember the first time I heard Scout and Sawyer laughing at the dinner table. It was as if all of my parenting dreams came to fruition in that moment. Two healthy, happy kids, laughing together at the dinner table. I dreamed about that moment for a long time. It was touching, beautiful and temporary, much like everything is as a human, a parent on this planet. It fades, or changes, or grows.

We are now weaving our way through issues and actions that showed up at my doorstep too early as far as I am concerned.  For Scout Second Grade has been tough. Or, at least that is the report I get. Who knows, maybe as mothers we only get the "tough."  She struggles with feeling included and important. My guess, they all do. She is learning about conflict and how to navigate difficult people and situations. Scout has a big personality so it comes as no surprise that she is known and someones probably not liked by all - which she desperately wants. She got that people please disease from me. I always wanted to be "liked" by everyone. Easy for me to say now that I am 40... it just doesn't matter; we learn as life goes on that it is impossible to make others happy and, or, like us. We must just be who and what we are.  I must remember how vulnerable it feels to be or feel disliked.  She is struggling with this.  My Mom always told me "Ashley, if someone doesn't like you...it means you are doing something right." It took me years to figure that one out - but I have and I agree.  I am proud that she is strong and opinionated. She has a mind of her own. It will serve her well in the years to come.

Scout: Gymnastics, Writing, Reading, Started a Business called Happy Wear (another post), Singing, Piggy, Talking, Friends. She cares so much about the people and the world around her and finds great distress when she sees litter. She picks up trash when we go hiking. Loves the 'Lumineers' and went to her first concert at Red Rocks last August to see them live. Top student.

The kids no longer laugh at the table. They throw things, fight, argue, bicker and then love one another deeply. I like catching the tender moments when Scout is patient with Sawyer and he listens to her as if she is everything.

They are quite the pair. He is all physical. Must.Hit.Kick.Wrestle.ALL.The.Time. She loves to wrestle until she sustains and life changing injury like a bump on her knee. All bets are off.

Sawyer is all boy. Frankly, I have no idea what to do with a boy. I know how to love him. I know how to cuddle, tickle, teach and play. I don't know how to get over the non-stop movement. One, it makes me nervous. It irritates me beyond comprehension. I sometimes want to duct tape him to a chair. Most, shrug it off and say 'its a boy thing.'  When he is playing, he plays Superhero, strikes Styrofoam swords and jumps from bed to bed. Being the chill person I am, this is very confusing to me. Bob insists, it is all normal. I think he may have a little Sensory Processing Integration like Scout does. Which makes me cry.


The other day I walked outside and saw this:

I had to laugh. Thankfully, he didn't get stuck. But this explains him and where he is in life to a T. I need to loosen up and bit and let him be a boy. I worry to much (it is my job) and I understand I need to let him be and run, do and play. It is the very thing that makes him so totally different than his sister. Not only is he all boy, he also has a mind of his own and isn't afraid to share it, or not share anything. This too, will serve him well in the coming years.

Sawyer is 4.5 and Scout is 7.5. As soon as the snow lifts we will be celebrating Birthday's again. It is amazing to me who these kids are becoming. They are both so amazing. I am biased because I am there Mom. But I get to say that because it is true and I work damn hard to be the best Mom I can be. I suck at it often and I fail plenty. I catch myself yelling way too much and sometimes, I dream of running away. I no longer grapple with if all this is "normal." I have long stopped caring about NORMAL. There is no such thing.

Sawyer: Gymnastics, Jumping, Kicking, Books, Leapfrog, Superhero's, Heavy Blankets, Painting, Snuggles, Friends, Parties, Cake, Trampolines, the 'Lumineers' (also saw them live at Red Rocks in August), Fast Tickles. He is the scared one. Likes to have someone with him and doesn't like the dark. He wears a headlamp to bed every night and must have a toy in his hands at all times. Athletically gifted.

Our lives are what we construct. By our choosing. We build. We fall. We slip. We fight. We break up fights. We are Referees. But mostly... when I look at the snapshots of my life... I am nothing but proud and grateful.  I have the loves of my life at my side and through all the long days, penalty flags and challenges, it is imperfect and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Brining Flowers to Grandma

The Polar Express - December 2013

Handmade/Homemade Marketplace Event

Beaver Creek Handstands - Thanksgiving 2013

My Superhero and his friends - Christmas 2013

LIFE HAPPENS

I haven't been able to write about her until today.  I had to let her go on February 26, 2011, with an aching heart and soul. Luna, my Co-pilot, was sick, for a short time and needed to be released. 

I got Luna when I was an over-confident 24 year old. I had my own apartment, all of my Moms old furniture and a full time job.  Yes, lets get a dog!  I found her in the FREE section of a rag in San Diego, and went to meet her immediately. She was a shy, gentle little pup at six months old. The guy that had her didn't let her inside, ever, since he had her at 3 months old. She was all by herself.  I put the leash on her and took her home. I named her Luna, after Julia Butterfly's Old Redwood Tree that she lived in for two years in the late 90's.  

The first day she was with me she ate my couch, by feather bed and all my pillows.  I put an ad in the paper "FREE PUPPY" and started getting phone calls the very next day. I couldn't have a dog that ate my stuff!  What was I thinking!  And then, she looked at me.  She licked my face. She cuddled up next to me in bed and encouraged me to take her to Dog Park.  I made a committment on the third day I had her, that she and I, were going to be partners. That I would be the BEST MOM EVER to her. 

She was more than a dog.  Seriously. She was an old soul with beautiful almond eyes, lined like Cleaopatras.  She was soft and fast, had a fun sense of humor and hated men. At that time in my life, we agreed. She and I did everything together, and I was even able to bring her to work with me every day.

Dog Beach, in Ocean Beach, San Diego was our favorite place. We went almost every day. It was so fun to watch her run, run, run... prance, play and tease.  She was a great tease.

Luna barked every single time a man walked through the door. Didn't matter whose door it was. She didn't like men. Led me to believe she had been mistreated by her original owner.  No matter what I did,

 I couldn't curb this behavior. She was determined to let the guys know she was not a fan.

We slept together in my bed each night.   Plenty of nights in my early 20's I went to bed with tears and confusion over something.  Wrong guy, wrong job, lonely, etc.  Luna always licked my tears. One time, I remember she even licked me up off the floor when I didn't think I could get up because I was so sad.

In 2001, my best friend Amy picked me up, and drove me home to Denver, where I am origianlly from. Luna rode on my lap from San Diego to Denver - the entire way.  She was about 40lbs.

We rolled into Denver, our new home and it was good to be home. Luna took to the squirrels and the hiking.  Though, we did miss dog beach.  We replaced the beach with rivers and snow, rain and digging holes in the backyard.

I was 29 living in a condo with Luna and a new guy came to take me out for a date.  He rapped on the door, and when I let him in, Luna walked right up to him and greeted him, even with a bit of a lick. First time ever.  I married him.

Luna was there to rest on my pregnant belly. She walked with me to and from the kitchen about 900,000 times. She loved to clean up after me!  She played with her new brother, Levi the dog and made space for him in her life, even though she was the princess, and always my Co-pilot.  

She welcomed Scout, my first daughter into our home and guarded her from morning until night and then the night through.  She loved Scout.  When I was pregnant with the second baby, she knew.  She guarded me. But I could tell she was getting tired.

When Sawyer was born, she made more room for him.  She took care of him and guarded both the kids, and I.  She was getting more tired.  But she managed to play with Levi, chase the squirrels, jump up in the car to take a ride with Daddy.  She never let anyone see her down.

I noticed her body was changing.  And she was sick.  I took her to the vet and they suggested she might have cancer... or internal bleeding.  They gave me steroids and I took her home, because it might be, I prayed, just a virus.  I tucked the steroid in her mouth and she went to lay down, and didn't move for many hours.  I hugged her and cried my eyes out.  I held her. I thanked her.  She got up to drink some water and fell.  I knew what I had to do the very next morning.

We drove to the Dog  Hospital at 7:00am the next morning. I couldn't see through my tears. She rode on my lap just as she did all the way from California 10 years earlier.  We carried her inside and she laid down on a sleeping bag in a room.  We stayed with her for awhile.  I held her and talked with her and cried hard. My insides turning upside down. My literal soul shaking.  I couldn't watch her go. I had to say goodbye before she went.  I wanted to see her alive.  And she licked my hand, when I made that decision as if she was telling me it was okay.  I told her I would see her on the flip side. That I loved her more than I knew I could love.  I know the Vet took her outside, so she could see the sky before she closed her eyes.

I had to run out of there and I vomited in the parking lot.  For three straight months I cried every single day.  Hard. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up, she was gone. Her absence was awful. Yet I knew, she was with me.  It has only been just under 5 months and I want so badly to see her again. I miss her so much.  I miss her eyes. I miss her prance. I miss her spirit.

I will never be the same after knowing and having Luna. I am so glad I made the commitment to be her Mom.  We were together for a good long time. Fourteen years.... a lifetime and never, long enough.

I will scatter her ashes in many different places that we visited together.  I often think, the life Luna and I lived together was so full and so much... and that has passed now. And that makes me so sad. And so proud of all the things we did together.

I love you Luna. You are my Co-Pilot.

SHOPPING

Scout woke up whining today. This is not unusual as of late. It has become part of her hobby.  It pains me every time she opens her mouth. I fear out of it will come that shrill that sends me over the edge.  I am uncertain as to why kids whine. I now "get" why my parents always said 'Stop the WHINING!' It has come full circle. Happy Mom and Dad?

This early morning Scout made it clear she wasn't feeling well. She wanted to stay home. She wanted to be in bed and rest.  This is never, ever the case. She is raring to go. Today, I let her stay home under the guise that she was sick.  I knew she wasn't.  I know, she just wanted to be taken care of.  She's a little envious of her little brother who gets most of the Mommy time these days.

I try to balance - though it is really hard. I mean, Scout can pee and eat by herself now.

Imagine, how much time I spend wiping butts and feeding?  So, these days I happen to be spending a lot of time with Sawyer. It's the nature of the game.

I decided I would take the kids shopping (don't ask) for some summer clothes.  It was a really poor decision. Today, Scout landed in the size 5 section.  If you are a Mom, you understand.  She graduated from toddler-hood right before my eyes. The 4T was no longer. We had to go into a dressing room for the first time in her life.  I almost had a nervous breakdown - burst into tears... but I just went with it.

Taking Scout shopping was about as fun as getting poked in the eye repeatedly with a sharp, glassy object. She doesn't like zippers. She hates "pants" with buttons. She doesn't like things that fit too tight or too lose. She doesn't like the things I like. She won't wear anything with an itchy tag. She pissed and moaned through several changings. I am certain, I am that Mom that other people look at and hate. "Does she REALLY treat her kids like that?!"  Yes, I do.  I had her facing the wall in time out in the middle of the store with no shame. I publicly retracted her movie privileges all in the name of summer clothes. She is exactly like her Dad.

The first time I took him shopping, soon after we had met, I almost died of boredom and impatience. But that is a whole other story.

Scout is going to have to wear the clothes we bought her today until she goes to High School - if I have to take her shopping anytime before that, it'll be too soon.

BUBBLE

I want to blow a bubble around my children and keep them protected.  I have so much hand sanitizer in my house I could open my own store. The older I have gotten, the more germapheobic I have become.  I am *that* woman who uses the paper towel to exit public restrooms. I spray Lysol on all of our door knobs, handles, light switches, chairs; if it doesn't move, it gets sprayed. I used to loathe people like me.  I thought they were 'soooo uptight!'

So back to the bubble.  Scout has been sick on and off for weeks.  She came home with 'Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease' when the Doctor told me it was so, I almost passed out. For some reason in my head, I thought she was referring to 'Foot and Mouth Disease.'  They sound pretty similar.  I was more familar with the ladder, which is deadly, hence, almost passing out. The one Scout contracted was a virus that would pass, but not quietly.  She was up for nights pissed off that she couldn't 'suck her binkie' because she had blisters in her mouth.  Scout not being able to suck her binkie is like a heroin addict not being able to shoot up. Sorry, its true.  We had some long, long nights.  She got better... and then... got sick again just a few weeks later, which is NOW. 

She has had a bacterial infection that has made her sicker than I have ever seen her. She has been miserable.  So, when you have a miserable kid, you are miserable - simple as that.  She has been down for one week tomorrow.  Life has somewhat paused.  We have been trying to nurse her back to health.  Pre-school has been out of the question - so Mommy has been spending a lot of time at home with Scout. Mommy needs a drink.

Sawyer, somehow has missed it all. He sleeps and when he is awake he flirts and smiles, fills his diaper and then goes back to sleep.  I am so happy that he is moving past Scout's illnesses. I am not sure what I would do with .... nevermind. I am not even going to write it.

Since we have been watching a lot of movies, Scout has already made it into "Elmo's Christmas."  At first, I didn't think it was a big deal.  Now, I hate myself.  Why? Because Scout has asked me everyday for the last week when Santa is coming. It's September 23rd. I'm going to cry.  There are 93 days before Christmas...  She also asked me "If I stay asleep, will Santa come?"  YUP. "Yes, honey, great idea! only 92 days to go!"

Scout also asked if she could get a bird for Halloween.  So, the Holiday's are eeking upon us. I have a feeling picking out a Halloween costume will be a big event this year.

But I still want to blow a bubble around my family.  I don't want to see my kids sick anymore.  My friend Jen keeps reminding me they are like little petrie dishes.  So, that anti-bacterial stuff stays for now as does the Lysol.  I will just continue being *that* annoying germ-phobe.

Here's to better health....

WHO SHE IS...

This is another post I discovered:

How in the hell can I expect to catch up on 8 months worth of being a Mom? I haven't written a word - except for on the grocery list or in emails.

Scout is 8 months old, just shy. She is the best buddy, laughs out loud, is a wonderful baby and has just learned to take her own bottle instead of the breast.

What a journey so far. Breastfeeding for 8 months... and she is finally weaned herself. Which leaves me... totally confused and hormonally crazed. O, to be a woman! I have postpartum depression and excitement at the same time.

Tonight, I am bleaching my teeth (not allowed when pregnant or breastfeeding) and I am taking vitamins that I wasn't allowed to take before. What a celebration, eh?

The things we take for granted!

The last 8 months have been a whirlwind of mommyhood, confusion, diapers, breastfeeding, new toys, snuggles, car rides, late nights, early mornings, Fraggle Rock, giggles, showers, squeaky toys (not for the dogs), lots of wondering "what should I be doing now" ... feeling out of place and not knowing where I fit. Bean bags, bumbo chairs, constipation, Dr.'s visits, 0-3, 3-6, how many lbs? Is she crawling YET? Does she have teeth YET? I tell everyone "NO.. I am trying to stunt her growth, I don't want her to move!"

Scout Elizabeth Kingsley is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me ... next to my husband Bob. Of course, we both wonder..."What did we do before Scout was born?" Now, we are totally satisfied to watch her - DO ANYTHING. She is a good girl. We are lucky!

She smiles when she wakes up. She talks NON-STOP. She sleeps through the night. She cries only when she needs something. She is friendly and loves people. She is kind. She is thoughtful, you can tell. She is a good eater. She watches and observes well and is quite intelligent (I know I am biased!) But she is!

Her Dad is the best Dad there is. He is so active with her and so engaging and wonderful. She LOVES her Daddy! He use to put her on his shoulder and she would fall asleep - for about 2 months that is the only place she wanted to be at night. He was so proud of that. She, like so many things, grew out of that fast. Now, she cuddles her bottle, she has learned to sleep on her tummy. She is calm when we change her diaper. She looks more adorable in overalls than I ever thought possible.

She is my life. She is our life. There isn't a night that I don't tuck her in that I am not thanking the stars and the moon for her. I love to watch her sleep. Her eyelashes are so beautiful and long.

I make up nursery rhymes because I don't know them well. And it is okay.

She watches TV (for children) and I am okay with it. She loves it.

She hates "tummy time"...

She loves the food I make. Oh, did I mention I make her baby food? I am proud of that.

Her first Babysitter was Aunt Amy when Bob and I went to see Dave Matthews in August 06.

She is surrounded by people that love her so much.

Grandpa Ray and Grandma Liz are over the moon.

We all are.

ROOST

Scout has more energy than a … a … anything or anyone I have ever known. She is a firecracker. Whip smart and has the memory of an elephant. This can be a good and bad trait.  After finding her standing on her head consistently, we enrolled her in gymnastics. It has been great to return to the gym to watch our daughter tumble! She says big words and bob and I shake our heads… how? when? What?  Time blazes by.  She is in preschool at an in home program called ‘Little Crickets.’ Thriving, with friends and projects galore, we are thrilled to see her so happy. Sawyer made his way into the world this July and has been a very, very mellow baby. He is definitely Bob’s son.  He doesn’t complain, he sleeps well and is developing a very sweet personality. He and Scout have started playing together and laughing; before we know it they will be plotting to sneak out of the house and steal the car.  We are so thrilled to have a home full of such chaos, laughter, noise and love. Bob has been promoted three times in his near five years at the Department of Energy, Renewable. He is one of the only ones in the country with a bullet proof job thanks to some of the stimulus money that headed his way in March. Work has been busy, rewarding (he tells me so) and because of all the growth there has been a lot of change in his office.  From small-ish and quaint to seeing people in the hallway he doesn’t even know.  I suppose Renewable Energy is a big deal. Proud of him. I am a stay-at-home-mom and much more comfortable with being home this time than I was three years ago when I was at home Scout for the first year.   I am enjoying my time with the kids immensely and feel very thankful to be in a position that I can share the special moments and sometimes REALLY long days with the kids. I know it is fleeting.  My guess... they will rule the roost for some time to come....