Am I Alone

It has been over a year (cough) or so since I posted. Scout, turns 7 years old tomorrow. Sawyer, turned 4 last week. My kids aren't little anymore... Scout completed the 1st Grade with a zeal that I never had as a student. She over-performs in everything she does academically.  She is whip smart and bold, brave too.  She is awe-inspiring and never stops talking.

She went into First Grade without hesitation and now, here we are, about to step in to Second grade. I am shaking my head. Like all parents, I am wondering, how this happened? Why so fast?  Yet, my conundrum is this (or at least one of them). I come home from work, and I don't like the hours between 5:30-8:00. The kids are tired, we are tried, we have to get stuff done, we are busy, there is always something to do, and we know, once we go to bed, it starts all over again.  I wake up in the morning, thinking about how lucky I am... and by the end of the day I am burnt.

Sawyer is attending a wonderful preschool that is just so perfect for him. It is small and so nurturing. He has been there for almost a year now and going to school is an exciting part of his day. He has turned out to be quite an athlete, having completed his first T-Ball Season, now on to biking and roller skating, swimming, tennis and gymnastics. The kid is good at everything he does. He is a sweet and funny, and he never stops moving, ever, except when he is asleep. 

Our kids are awesome... but here is the thing: And tell me if I am alone here.  They are driving me crazy. No really, really crazy. Scout is 7 going on 17. She is sassy, mouthy and often times, I am her target for all things nasty. The way she talks to me, is just horrible. She is sometimes mean. I am shocked by this, as I always thought it was going to be the teenage years that did me in. But I am thinking I am good and done in...  I am the harder parent. There is no doubt about it. I have no soft landing... bad cop here. But someone has to be. Bob is the mediator, which isn't a good place to be as a parent. We are trying to find our united front... he is more patient and I am very, very sensitive. He can let things roll off his back... I go to work crying.  Sawyer is tough in his own ways. He is 4 - and wants to digress. He is often lazy - he wants to be the baby.  Admittedly, I cater to him because he is the baby, but I try not too, and I catch myself.  I feel as though I am in a constant stream of 'trying harder'... or just 'doing it wrong.'  Failing. 

Regrettable, I haven't written for so long, I have no idea where to start - but this is the beginning of a catch up post. For me. For them. 

They are good kids. Being a parent is fucking hard. Harder than I ever, ever imagined. It is also bigger and faster and slower and more frustratingly beautiful than I can even understand? I feel alone... am I alone with these feelings? 

Scout is celebrating her birthday tomorrow, fairly quietly for the first time. Each year we have had a huge party - this year... a small celebration. Sawyer had his first independent birthday party... his friends from preschool came and they romped  around the yard, swam, ate cake, had the best time. Simple. 

Simple. 

Bob's Birthday 2013

Sawyer and Bob at T-Ball - Summer 2013

Scout at Grand Lake on the 4th of July

Grand Lake, July 4th 2013 

This is one of my faves of all time. Sawyer getting his haircut at an old school Barber on Tennyson St. 

LUCKIEST

Scout started kindergarten last week. She was ready. I think I was too. She is fiercely independent and gutsy. What I didn't expect was to be so damn tired. After all, it wasn't me heading through the brand new walls of a big school. She is so graceful and brave. After three days, she has a boyfriend, whose name she doesn't remember. She has a favorite part of her day, and loves her teacher. She comes home with zest and fervor, stories and quips.  She is so amazing.

Sawyer is boding well with all the ladies in his preschool. He is one of three boys and has seven girls in his class. I believe he has more than one girlfriend. If I ask him who he played with that day, his dimples light up and he shyly says "Sarah!" Each day, a different name.  He is thriving at his school, and now, likes to race from the car to the door every morning.  He thinks it is hilarious, actually. Saying goodbye is hard. I have had a really sweet spot for my baby this summer. Missing out on his milestones. Some days, I keep him home, because I cannot stand not being near him.

I feel so lucky to be their Mom. I can't imagine anything more beautiful and amazing. They are good kids. They are kind (most of the time) Sawyer bit me last week and left indefinite teeth marks.  They are funny, wild, smart and brave.  It was just yesterday, after Sawyer and I kissed and hugged Scout goodbye in front of her classroom, that Sawyer took to the big kids slide and caught about three feet of air. He landed on his feet and just looked up, smiled, knowing he had caught serious air.

One of my favorite parts of the day now, is actually, (well, not waking up) but once I am up and done pushing the snooze button, I get to go in and wake my kids up... and cuddle them into their day.  I am oddly taken by this, as it has been, well, never, in my life that I enjoy waking up, or the mornings for that matter.   Something is so sweet and soft about seeing them before they rise, stretch like little cubs, and rub their eyes (probably in disbelief that Mommy is actually waking them up). It is a special time.

So here we go... into a school year. The air getting crisper. The days shorter. The schedule comes back. I look forward to their stories continuing to unfold.