UNPREPARED

"Mommy, why did Sophia's Dad die?"  Sophia is Scout's friend at preschool who lost her dad to suicide at the age of three. I could see and feel myself drop to my knees in my minds eye. The sensation that ran through me was foreign.  I hadn't planned on answering questions relating to death, not to a three year old. Not now.  I opened my mouth... and it all came pouring out. "Honey, Sophia's Dad was really sick. He died because he was really sick" I tried to explain.  "But why he died" Scout asked again. Bob chimed in; "honey, Sophia's Daddy was very, very sick. He died because he was so sick."  Scout still pondered.  Tears welled up in my eyes and spilled over.  "But why he died?" She was being persistent.

I let it go... fast and furious it poured out of my mouth. "Honey, we ALL die. It is just part of life. We ALL die." I could HEAR Bob's eyes burning through me.  And I kept going.  "Sophia's Daddy died... but you are so very lucky to have YOUR Daddy."

Scout was sucking her binky and her eyes so very tired.  It was edging upon 10:00 p.m. far past her bedtime.
"Why we ALL die?" She continued.  I backpedaled.   "It's okay honey, you are so lucky to have your Daddy! Sophia is sad, isn't she? She misses her Daddy, and we all just have to be thankful."

What  in the hell am I doing?  I am telling a 3 year old that WE ALL DIE!  I hate myself for this.  She doesn't need to know this yet.  My reasoning was this:  I want to be honest and upfront with her about life. I swore I would.  But not about this. Not now.

"But where did he go"  Scout asked.

Now how do I explain this?

"He went up to heaven honey, he is in the sky.  People go to heaven when they die."  I hate myself for saying this. I don't believe this nor does it have any meaning to a 3 year old.  "He floated up to the sky!" I said with reverence! The hole I was digging was just getting deeper.

And that was it.  Tears were streaming down my face.  "Why you crying Mommy" Scout asked concerned.  Why am I crying? I am kicking myself inside.  I'm losing control of this conversation and I know Bob is upset with me for blurting out "We ALL die."  I'm upset with me to.

"It's okay honey, I'm just sad for Sophia not having a Daddy.  But Sophia is so lucky to have you as a friend Scout! And you are so lucky to have a Mommy and Daddy and we both love you so much!"

And as fast and furious as the conversation started, it was over. I felt broken. How, on earth do we tell our babies about death and sickness, pain and suffering?  Or do we?  How much are we supposed to protect them from the difficult realities of life?  Part of my comittment to telling my children 'straight up' is that my parents were SO brilliant at keeping my brother and I "protected."  It was magical how they protected us. did a left us; and it left us unprepared for *real life.*  I don't resent it. I just imagined I would do it a bit different.

And now, I can't take it back.

We all DIE... this is true.  That reality alone makes me choke up.  And I am angry with myself that I couldn't be more clever and discerning with Scout. More prepared. More sensitive.

This conversation happened on my 36th birthday - right as I had been thinking about my own mortality and not being around for my children. The worst, very worst possible thought of missing them, growing and changing and navigating through this life.  

We have no guarantees... this I know. But I am hanging on as tight a I can, trying to soak up every minute, good, bad and indifferent. Because... this is ALL we get. This ONE life. Because we ALL DIE... and every minute counts.  And my children taught me this.

MASSIVE

The world that has opened up as a result of my children is extreme in every way. It feels as if I have unlocked a door that has never been opened; I see colors that I have never seen.

The pitch of their screams pricks my ears up and registers a heartbeat that could literally bounce from my chest.  When they laugh, I am elevated. When they hurt, I feel their pain in places I didn't know existed. When they learn I sometimes feel as though I see their beautiful wings spreading and I want to explode from joy and sadness at the same time.

The parenthood experience is massive. 

Scout is like a miniature teenager girl.  She knows what she wants. She is bitchy. She is darling and wild. She slams doors. She pouts.  She isn't confident in her ability to tell people what she needs. She is hilarious and sweet.  And this is all before 8:00 a.m.  She challenges every part of my being every single day.  She forces my sweeter side out and brings Daddy's tougher side up.  How can one, little girl do this? She is amazing.

Sawyer is talking with no words and smiling out loud.  His dimples make my heart sing.  He is still an innocent baby.  Sure to grow into his own and challenge us in ways we have yet to see.  His innocence is part of what I adore about babies. They are not from this world.  He has just hit the mark where he is becoming more demanding and vocal. He wants to do things now.  He has expectations.

When I say 'Bending Through Motherhood' I mean it.  I have to duck, rise, bend, form, gel, stretch, blend, grow.  I am so glad for this.

Without this parenthood experience I wonder what kind of person I would be now? I am so thankful for the challenges and the yoga that has to be performed in order to be Scout and Sawyer's mom.  Stretching oneself, I hear is a good thing.

I am stretching.... reaching.... and with them I do see the *stars* and the so-called-fairy tales are alive.

SPEED

I am astounded at how fast time passes. Always have been. When I was eight years old I worried I was getting old. When you have kids for some reason time speeds up. There is a no-stopping requirement for being a parent. You don't ever stop, unless you are sleeping and that is if you are lucky.  If you are ALWAYS moving then time moves with you. 

I looked at Scout's feet in the bath tub last night and they are almost as big as my whopping size 6.  If she is ready to outgrow my feet, what's next?  She is so proud. She keeps telling me "Mommy, you need to eat 5 fruits and vegetables everyday so you can get big and strong."  How do I break it to her that I am as big as I am going to get?   She is so good about eating and drinking her milk.  At her age, I could swear I hid food in my mouth and spit it out when no one was looking.  She actually reaches for carrots and pears. What is going on here?

Sawyer on the other hand is growing by leaps and bounds. He is tipping the scale at 12 lbs. 9oz.  I cannot imagine my life without him and he has been with us for three months.  I feel like I have known him forever. His smile is stunning. When he looks at us his eyes sparkle and it opens my heart up and pulls it out of my chest. I never knew I could love as much as I love these children.  They have so much spirit and so much soul.

Sawyer enjoys watching Scout do everything... and Scout likes the fact that she always has an audience.  He is going to be very impressionable and I know Scout will watch out for him.  He is the gentler soul, like Bob; patient and soft.  Scout - is the electricity in the house.  We work hard to keep up with  her.  She NEVER stops talking... ever.  Bob and I sometimes look at each other over dinner with speaking and knowing eyes "holy shit, we need a break!"

Both kids make time go by too fast.  I want to bottle it. Hold it. Pause it. Stop it.  I want to watch them, hold them, take mental pictures... I don't want it to go so fast.  I try to take as many pictures as possible. I review the days in my head before I go to sleep (when I sleep)  though they all meld together like one big fat ball of play-doh.

The best I can do is be thankful for today. It is all ANY OF US HAVE.  When the kids are with me, which is almost always... I relish, even when I am having 'one of those days...'  I know they are going to grow up fast.  Scout wants to wear make-up and I betcha, Sawyer already wants to be just like his big sister.

I'm going to hold tight to today.  Really freakin' tight.

BUBBLE

I want to blow a bubble around my children and keep them protected.  I have so much hand sanitizer in my house I could open my own store. The older I have gotten, the more germapheobic I have become.  I am *that* woman who uses the paper towel to exit public restrooms. I spray Lysol on all of our door knobs, handles, light switches, chairs; if it doesn't move, it gets sprayed. I used to loathe people like me.  I thought they were 'soooo uptight!'

So back to the bubble.  Scout has been sick on and off for weeks.  She came home with 'Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease' when the Doctor told me it was so, I almost passed out. For some reason in my head, I thought she was referring to 'Foot and Mouth Disease.'  They sound pretty similar.  I was more familar with the ladder, which is deadly, hence, almost passing out. The one Scout contracted was a virus that would pass, but not quietly.  She was up for nights pissed off that she couldn't 'suck her binkie' because she had blisters in her mouth.  Scout not being able to suck her binkie is like a heroin addict not being able to shoot up. Sorry, its true.  We had some long, long nights.  She got better... and then... got sick again just a few weeks later, which is NOW. 

She has had a bacterial infection that has made her sicker than I have ever seen her. She has been miserable.  So, when you have a miserable kid, you are miserable - simple as that.  She has been down for one week tomorrow.  Life has somewhat paused.  We have been trying to nurse her back to health.  Pre-school has been out of the question - so Mommy has been spending a lot of time at home with Scout. Mommy needs a drink.

Sawyer, somehow has missed it all. He sleeps and when he is awake he flirts and smiles, fills his diaper and then goes back to sleep.  I am so happy that he is moving past Scout's illnesses. I am not sure what I would do with .... nevermind. I am not even going to write it.

Since we have been watching a lot of movies, Scout has already made it into "Elmo's Christmas."  At first, I didn't think it was a big deal.  Now, I hate myself.  Why? Because Scout has asked me everyday for the last week when Santa is coming. It's September 23rd. I'm going to cry.  There are 93 days before Christmas...  She also asked me "If I stay asleep, will Santa come?"  YUP. "Yes, honey, great idea! only 92 days to go!"

Scout also asked if she could get a bird for Halloween.  So, the Holiday's are eeking upon us. I have a feeling picking out a Halloween costume will be a big event this year.

But I still want to blow a bubble around my family.  I don't want to see my kids sick anymore.  My friend Jen keeps reminding me they are like little petrie dishes.  So, that anti-bacterial stuff stays for now as does the Lysol.  I will just continue being *that* annoying germ-phobe.

Here's to better health....

WHO SHE IS...

This is another post I discovered:

How in the hell can I expect to catch up on 8 months worth of being a Mom? I haven't written a word - except for on the grocery list or in emails.

Scout is 8 months old, just shy. She is the best buddy, laughs out loud, is a wonderful baby and has just learned to take her own bottle instead of the breast.

What a journey so far. Breastfeeding for 8 months... and she is finally weaned herself. Which leaves me... totally confused and hormonally crazed. O, to be a woman! I have postpartum depression and excitement at the same time.

Tonight, I am bleaching my teeth (not allowed when pregnant or breastfeeding) and I am taking vitamins that I wasn't allowed to take before. What a celebration, eh?

The things we take for granted!

The last 8 months have been a whirlwind of mommyhood, confusion, diapers, breastfeeding, new toys, snuggles, car rides, late nights, early mornings, Fraggle Rock, giggles, showers, squeaky toys (not for the dogs), lots of wondering "what should I be doing now" ... feeling out of place and not knowing where I fit. Bean bags, bumbo chairs, constipation, Dr.'s visits, 0-3, 3-6, how many lbs? Is she crawling YET? Does she have teeth YET? I tell everyone "NO.. I am trying to stunt her growth, I don't want her to move!"

Scout Elizabeth Kingsley is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me ... next to my husband Bob. Of course, we both wonder..."What did we do before Scout was born?" Now, we are totally satisfied to watch her - DO ANYTHING. She is a good girl. We are lucky!

She smiles when she wakes up. She talks NON-STOP. She sleeps through the night. She cries only when she needs something. She is friendly and loves people. She is kind. She is thoughtful, you can tell. She is a good eater. She watches and observes well and is quite intelligent (I know I am biased!) But she is!

Her Dad is the best Dad there is. He is so active with her and so engaging and wonderful. She LOVES her Daddy! He use to put her on his shoulder and she would fall asleep - for about 2 months that is the only place she wanted to be at night. He was so proud of that. She, like so many things, grew out of that fast. Now, she cuddles her bottle, she has learned to sleep on her tummy. She is calm when we change her diaper. She looks more adorable in overalls than I ever thought possible.

She is my life. She is our life. There isn't a night that I don't tuck her in that I am not thanking the stars and the moon for her. I love to watch her sleep. Her eyelashes are so beautiful and long.

I make up nursery rhymes because I don't know them well. And it is okay.

She watches TV (for children) and I am okay with it. She loves it.

She hates "tummy time"...

She loves the food I make. Oh, did I mention I make her baby food? I am proud of that.

Her first Babysitter was Aunt Amy when Bob and I went to see Dave Matthews in August 06.

She is surrounded by people that love her so much.

Grandpa Ray and Grandma Liz are over the moon.

We all are.

CREVICES

So, I had ambition at some point when Scout was eight months and younger.  I started a blog that I had forgotten all about.  Did I mention that when you become a Mom the crevices of your brain get very dark and you are lucky if you can formulate sentences?  Yes, its true. And most people think women are just making excuses for the total inability to recall, anything.  Trust me, we aren't. It is painful not being able to remember if you actually peed while you were sitting on the toilet - or did you just think about peeing?


Here is what I wrote:

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Six Months...
She is six months now... our daughter. I have gone six months without recording a single thing - except to memory, which, I will inevitably forget. This will be the first "blogging" I have done since the Miscarriage Blog. It is time to get back up on the literary horse here and record life from a whole new perspective.

Scout has grown out of her 1st onesie, shit up her back more than once, kept us up many a night, rolled over, burped so loud I thought it was impossibly funny, pulled the dogs ears, laughed until my heart cried, screamed until I thought I would lose it, splashed about like a fish in the tub, rubbed food all over her face, stole her Daddies heart, stole the show EVERYWHERE, reminded me that my life is no longer my own.

It has all happened so fast. Born in July 06' we knew we were lucky. We tried hard to get Scout. We had no problem getting pregnant - but staying knocked up was another story. Once we finally overcame two miscarriages - we were blessed with little monkey. Now, our lives are different. I have NO idea who I was or what I did before Scout and now, I am on the path to discover what is ahead. Life as a Mom is undeniably the most powerful part of life that I have experienced. So, now a new journey. Lot's of new journeys.

CATCHING UP

For three years I have told myself that I needed to write down everything that was happening with Scout, our daughter. I swore I would remember everything and I would catch up and keep a journal. I promised myself I would scrapbook and record every coo, poo and triumph. I failed. And I don't remember. I cannot crawl deep enough into the crevices of my Mommy Brain and pull the memories out. It is frustrating to no end. I cannot remember what her first sound was or how she looked when she was sad. I only know the now.

And before its too late, I am going to start TODAY writing about the amazing, the mundane, the funny, the hard; how I 'Bend Through Motherhood.'
 

We have two kids. Scout and Sawyer. They both live up to their names. Explorers, adventurers, strong willed and also unique. Scout is 3 and Sawyer is 12 weeks. We named them before we had them - in fact, years before we got pregnant they had their names. My husband and I never doubted we would have a 'Scout and a Sawyer.' Well, maybe briefly after we had Scout we wondered about a Sawyer... but then, POOF! He came! And we are so glad!

We are not unique. We are a four person family, six if you count the dogs. We live humbly and simply. I am proud of this *now* but it has taken me some time to learn how to do this. It has taken me some time to learn how to *do* a lot. So I don't forget and make false promises to myself, I will write. I will record. I will rant and rave, and this will be our scrapbook. I regret I didn't do this earlier and I am so glad that I am doing it now.

ROOST

Scout has more energy than a … a … anything or anyone I have ever known. She is a firecracker. Whip smart and has the memory of an elephant. This can be a good and bad trait.  After finding her standing on her head consistently, we enrolled her in gymnastics. It has been great to return to the gym to watch our daughter tumble! She says big words and bob and I shake our heads… how? when? What?  Time blazes by.  She is in preschool at an in home program called ‘Little Crickets.’ Thriving, with friends and projects galore, we are thrilled to see her so happy. Sawyer made his way into the world this July and has been a very, very mellow baby. He is definitely Bob’s son.  He doesn’t complain, he sleeps well and is developing a very sweet personality. He and Scout have started playing together and laughing; before we know it they will be plotting to sneak out of the house and steal the car.  We are so thrilled to have a home full of such chaos, laughter, noise and love. Bob has been promoted three times in his near five years at the Department of Energy, Renewable. He is one of the only ones in the country with a bullet proof job thanks to some of the stimulus money that headed his way in March. Work has been busy, rewarding (he tells me so) and because of all the growth there has been a lot of change in his office.  From small-ish and quaint to seeing people in the hallway he doesn’t even know.  I suppose Renewable Energy is a big deal. Proud of him. I am a stay-at-home-mom and much more comfortable with being home this time than I was three years ago when I was at home Scout for the first year.   I am enjoying my time with the kids immensely and feel very thankful to be in a position that I can share the special moments and sometimes REALLY long days with the kids. I know it is fleeting.  My guess... they will rule the roost for some time to come....