LIFE HAPPENS

I haven't been able to write about her until today.  I had to let her go on February 26, 2011, with an aching heart and soul. Luna, my Co-pilot, was sick, for a short time and needed to be released. 

I got Luna when I was an over-confident 24 year old. I had my own apartment, all of my Moms old furniture and a full time job.  Yes, lets get a dog!  I found her in the FREE section of a rag in San Diego, and went to meet her immediately. She was a shy, gentle little pup at six months old. The guy that had her didn't let her inside, ever, since he had her at 3 months old. She was all by herself.  I put the leash on her and took her home. I named her Luna, after Julia Butterfly's Old Redwood Tree that she lived in for two years in the late 90's.  

The first day she was with me she ate my couch, by feather bed and all my pillows.  I put an ad in the paper "FREE PUPPY" and started getting phone calls the very next day. I couldn't have a dog that ate my stuff!  What was I thinking!  And then, she looked at me.  She licked my face. She cuddled up next to me in bed and encouraged me to take her to Dog Park.  I made a committment on the third day I had her, that she and I, were going to be partners. That I would be the BEST MOM EVER to her. 

She was more than a dog.  Seriously. She was an old soul with beautiful almond eyes, lined like Cleaopatras.  She was soft and fast, had a fun sense of humor and hated men. At that time in my life, we agreed. She and I did everything together, and I was even able to bring her to work with me every day.

Dog Beach, in Ocean Beach, San Diego was our favorite place. We went almost every day. It was so fun to watch her run, run, run... prance, play and tease.  She was a great tease.

Luna barked every single time a man walked through the door. Didn't matter whose door it was. She didn't like men. Led me to believe she had been mistreated by her original owner.  No matter what I did,

 I couldn't curb this behavior. She was determined to let the guys know she was not a fan.

We slept together in my bed each night.   Plenty of nights in my early 20's I went to bed with tears and confusion over something.  Wrong guy, wrong job, lonely, etc.  Luna always licked my tears. One time, I remember she even licked me up off the floor when I didn't think I could get up because I was so sad.

In 2001, my best friend Amy picked me up, and drove me home to Denver, where I am origianlly from. Luna rode on my lap from San Diego to Denver - the entire way.  She was about 40lbs.

We rolled into Denver, our new home and it was good to be home. Luna took to the squirrels and the hiking.  Though, we did miss dog beach.  We replaced the beach with rivers and snow, rain and digging holes in the backyard.

I was 29 living in a condo with Luna and a new guy came to take me out for a date.  He rapped on the door, and when I let him in, Luna walked right up to him and greeted him, even with a bit of a lick. First time ever.  I married him.

Luna was there to rest on my pregnant belly. She walked with me to and from the kitchen about 900,000 times. She loved to clean up after me!  She played with her new brother, Levi the dog and made space for him in her life, even though she was the princess, and always my Co-pilot.  

She welcomed Scout, my first daughter into our home and guarded her from morning until night and then the night through.  She loved Scout.  When I was pregnant with the second baby, she knew.  She guarded me. But I could tell she was getting tired.

When Sawyer was born, she made more room for him.  She took care of him and guarded both the kids, and I.  She was getting more tired.  But she managed to play with Levi, chase the squirrels, jump up in the car to take a ride with Daddy.  She never let anyone see her down.

I noticed her body was changing.  And she was sick.  I took her to the vet and they suggested she might have cancer... or internal bleeding.  They gave me steroids and I took her home, because it might be, I prayed, just a virus.  I tucked the steroid in her mouth and she went to lay down, and didn't move for many hours.  I hugged her and cried my eyes out.  I held her. I thanked her.  She got up to drink some water and fell.  I knew what I had to do the very next morning.

We drove to the Dog  Hospital at 7:00am the next morning. I couldn't see through my tears. She rode on my lap just as she did all the way from California 10 years earlier.  We carried her inside and she laid down on a sleeping bag in a room.  We stayed with her for awhile.  I held her and talked with her and cried hard. My insides turning upside down. My literal soul shaking.  I couldn't watch her go. I had to say goodbye before she went.  I wanted to see her alive.  And she licked my hand, when I made that decision as if she was telling me it was okay.  I told her I would see her on the flip side. That I loved her more than I knew I could love.  I know the Vet took her outside, so she could see the sky before she closed her eyes.

I had to run out of there and I vomited in the parking lot.  For three straight months I cried every single day.  Hard. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up, she was gone. Her absence was awful. Yet I knew, she was with me.  It has only been just under 5 months and I want so badly to see her again. I miss her so much.  I miss her eyes. I miss her prance. I miss her spirit.

I will never be the same after knowing and having Luna. I am so glad I made the commitment to be her Mom.  We were together for a good long time. Fourteen years.... a lifetime and never, long enough.

I will scatter her ashes in many different places that we visited together.  I often think, the life Luna and I lived together was so full and so much... and that has passed now. And that makes me so sad. And so proud of all the things we did together.

I love you Luna. You are my Co-Pilot.

SENSES

Scout was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder about 8 weeks ago.

It started a while ago... we just thought she was being a pain in the ass 3 year old.

"NO! I won't wear underwear....
or my coat
or socks
or certain pants
or shoes that aren't tight enough
or pajamas
or blankets when I sleep"

I thought she was just exercising her independence. One day, back in August however, she said something to me that hoisted the big, red flag. "Mommy, I can't wear socks with writing on the bottom."  WHAT?

So, I started doing some research and thank god for my friend Jen, who I just happened to be having lunch with on the 'sock day.'   She described her sons issues around wearing clothes, or not wearing them, and it matched Scout exactly.

In a nutshell:

"Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, formerly known as "sensory integration dysfunction") is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. Pioneering occupational therapist and neuroscientist A. Jean Ayres, PhD, likened SPD to a neurological "traffic jam" that prevents certain parts of the brain from receiving the information needed to interpret sensory information correctly. A person with SPD finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks. Motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure, and other impacts may result if the disorder is not treated effectively."

Next step - total panic.  "Its my fault. I haven't been a good enough parent."  I walked around saying this to myself for a few days - and then got over myself.  Why do we always make it about US?

Made an appointment for Scout at Childrens Hospital. We had to wait two long weeks before the appointment.  When you kid won't wear clothes, this is kind of a long time.

I started reading and tried to stay calm. Some Sensory Processing Disorders are related to ADD, ADHD as well as certain forms of Autism.  I was terrified and I had no information except what I was reading online.

The day of the evaluation at Childrens, I was a basket case. We made it into the waiting room and I had to go stand outside. Kids were coming out in wheel chairs, and some, not even old enough to sit up straight in a wheel chair were being wheeled out the door - and the moms and dads were STANDING? How, I do not know. I was aching for all the people I saw that day and so scared about what Sensory Processing Disorder would mean to our family and to Scout?

We got to sit in a room with a double pane of glass and watch a Physical Therapist work with Scout on several activities for 2 hours.  Scout was so amazing during this process. She did so well.

When the evaluation was over, we left with this:

"Children's Hospital has a 6 month waiting list. We will send you our findings."
 I was beside myself.  No tools. No answers. Nothing.

So, I started doing more research and found a place that I could take Scout to once I had the finding - which we were fairly certain, that yes, Scout did have SPD.

We have taken to therapy once a week.  Therapy includes a lot of heavy work and crashing. Jumping, hopping, lifting, pulling, climbing, falling into pillows. She LOVES it.  It also includes a Sensory Diet. Not food related, but homework, essentially.  We do BRUSHING THERAPY three/four times a day. Basically, take a soft bristled brush and literally brush Scout's arms, legs, back and feet.  We do trampoline jumps, and crashing, hopping, skipping and tons more at home, every day.

Scout has turned into a TOTALLY different little girl. She is pleasant and we don't fight. Prior to the diagnosis and therapy, everything was a battle. As you can imagine? You cannot make your kid go to school, or anywhere else, without clothes?

Scout is flourishing. She is COMFORTABLE!!!!!  She is sleeping. She wore NEW PANTS every single day last week (I bribed her) but it worked. She is wearing SOCKS.  She is wearing HER COAT.  I don't hear "Im uncomfortable" anymore. Which was her #1 word for MONTHS.

We feel really great that we jumped on this and didn't brush it off. I am so thankful that we have found a great place to take her for therapy. SPD can be turned around - we are here to tell you.  We are really lucky that we got her in early... they can work faster and changes come quicker (for some).  I am so proud of her.

These are the moments and days, weeks and years of parenthood, you don't prepare for... you can't. 

MAXED OUT

In a feeble attempt to cook dinner last week, I burned my nipple.  I should never go in the kitchen again.

Sawyer started vomiting on Friday and didn't stop until after we took him to the emergency room on Friday.  While I was cleaning up the putrid mess, and steam cleaning the carpet, I had a sudden feeling that something wasn't right.  The steam cleaner seemed to be bubbling. It never did that...

Instead of pouring the carpet cleaner into the steam cleaner, I used DRANO.  To clean the carpet.  I didn't realize this until the carpet, was clean.

Working. Raising Kids. Dogs. Husband = I AM MAXED OUT...

However, it does provide for good laughs... and I am not embarrassed to admit my shortcomings.

A BEAUTIFUL MESS

Okay, so I swore that I would write once a week. HA! That lasted a week.

Now lets get real.

Parenthood is the most abusive relationship I have ever known. 

Let me tell you why:

• You love your kids so much it hurts and you cannot wait to get away from them - some of the time.
• When you go out without your kids, what happens? Yeah, you talk, think and worry about the kids.
• They make you cry with joy and burn with anger within a matter of 10 seconds.
• From what I have learned thus far, our own kids are typically awful to us and perfect for most who watch after them. This is just not right.
• They pull at our hearts and our wallets and that can never be a good combination.
• They keep us up at night, wake us early and then they don't nap. How is this healthy?
• They smile, giggle, beg for more tickles and kisses and we beg for more time with them.
• At night, I watch them sleep, when it finally happens and I beg for them not to grow up too fast.
• When I drop them off at school in the morning I usually drive over the speed limit on my way out of the parking lot because I have some time to myself. What do I do? I go back to look in the window and watch them.

How is this healthy?  Parenthood. Seriously? Wow. No one could have ever prepared me, no matter what... ever. Its too big. Too massive. Too overpowering. The things you think you have under control... HA! Funny, not even close.

Sawyer is just about 18 months now and is the boy that will forever get whatever he wants if I have anything to do with it. He has dimples. Enough said. Well, is it? No, because I am his Mom. I want to say more. He is mellow and hilarious. He laughs and his nose crinkles up and his grin is bigger than a slice of watermelon.  He walks and points and says DUCK. He is charming and really just so fun. I am so blessed. He snuggles and loves books, eats like a truck driver and loves his sister.

 Scout is 4 1/2 now and has turned into a kid. She is .... well... she is a pain in my thankful ass. I love her. She is wild and carefree and worried and passionate and impatient and silly and sad and SMART as hell. She says the most beautiful things. "Mom, will you still be my mom when I die?" Helll-o?  Help me off of the floor.  When she said that I nearly fell over. Wow. So lucky. She is my girl. She and I will always go at it. When she is a teenager, I am thinking of boot camp. If she is anything like me, I don't want her near ANYTHING. But I hear keeping your kids locked in a closet is kind of illegal. So, I have to figure something out and quick.

What does it take every day to be their Mom? More patience than I have for sure. More energy that I could ever wish for.  Wine.

And, at the end of the day, when they are safe, home, asleep or awake, I know how lucky I am.  So, lucky.

Life is so beautifully messy...

SHOPPING

Scout woke up whining today. This is not unusual as of late. It has become part of her hobby.  It pains me every time she opens her mouth. I fear out of it will come that shrill that sends me over the edge.  I am uncertain as to why kids whine. I now "get" why my parents always said 'Stop the WHINING!' It has come full circle. Happy Mom and Dad?

This early morning Scout made it clear she wasn't feeling well. She wanted to stay home. She wanted to be in bed and rest.  This is never, ever the case. She is raring to go. Today, I let her stay home under the guise that she was sick.  I knew she wasn't.  I know, she just wanted to be taken care of.  She's a little envious of her little brother who gets most of the Mommy time these days.

I try to balance - though it is really hard. I mean, Scout can pee and eat by herself now.

Imagine, how much time I spend wiping butts and feeding?  So, these days I happen to be spending a lot of time with Sawyer. It's the nature of the game.

I decided I would take the kids shopping (don't ask) for some summer clothes.  It was a really poor decision. Today, Scout landed in the size 5 section.  If you are a Mom, you understand.  She graduated from toddler-hood right before my eyes. The 4T was no longer. We had to go into a dressing room for the first time in her life.  I almost had a nervous breakdown - burst into tears... but I just went with it.

Taking Scout shopping was about as fun as getting poked in the eye repeatedly with a sharp, glassy object. She doesn't like zippers. She hates "pants" with buttons. She doesn't like things that fit too tight or too lose. She doesn't like the things I like. She won't wear anything with an itchy tag. She pissed and moaned through several changings. I am certain, I am that Mom that other people look at and hate. "Does she REALLY treat her kids like that?!"  Yes, I do.  I had her facing the wall in time out in the middle of the store with no shame. I publicly retracted her movie privileges all in the name of summer clothes. She is exactly like her Dad.

The first time I took him shopping, soon after we had met, I almost died of boredom and impatience. But that is a whole other story.

Scout is going to have to wear the clothes we bought her today until she goes to High School - if I have to take her shopping anytime before that, it'll be too soon.

DIMPLES

He has dimples. And he is a boy. So, I am pretty much a sucker for the rest of my life.

See, in our house, since Scout was born almost 4 years ago, I have been the 'bad cop.'  Because, Bob is a sucker for Scout, the little girl in the house.  I play 'bad cop' with her and Daddy, is well, the 'good cop.'  If she blinks... he does whatever she wants.  It doesn't work on me. Or, lets just say - not all the time.

Now, with Sawyer and his dimples, I can see Bob's dilemma. So, perhaps this Mama gets to be a 'good cop' with Sawyer and he can be the 'bad cop.'  

Sawyer is all boy now. He has two teeth on the bottom and two coming in on top. He is just shy of 9 months. He is rough and tumble. He giggles.  He loves his sister. He thinks she is the coolest. When they giggle together, everything, everything makes sense to me. Those are my favorite moments - when my kids are giggling together.

He is on the verge of crawling and life as I know it will get busier then it already is. He is going to move fast, there is no doubt.

He is finally sleeping in his own crib - not through the night - but he is IN A CRIB... its a start. Co-sleeping is a beautiful thing. 9 months is a LONG time to not sleep through the night.  Soon, the boy will learn to self-soothe, I am hoping.

He is a doll baby. And he is HUGE. He weighs almost 20 lbs. which Scout didn't weigh until after her 1st birthday. I do believe he is going to be tall like his Daddy!  It is a pleasure to watch him learn each day. He is in the mode where everyday he has a new trick. Pretty soon, he and Scout will be stealing the car.

I love being their Mom. 

BODY PARTS

I never realized that I would be talking with my daughter about her vagina so early in life. It is surprising to me. I figured we would be having body part conversations when she was just a tad older. Not so much!

We use the word Vagina because I do not want to trivialize body parts. It isn't a 'pee-pee,' or a 'wee-wee,' or  'down there.' It is a Vagina. I decided this early on, maybe before I even had kids that I wouldn't use words that didn't explain and describe the body just as it is.

Scout is curious. She's almost 4. And, one of the funniest things happened the other day.  Grandma Liz took Scout to the store for a Pineapple.  On their way out, Scout asked to ride the little motorized horse. You know the one... by the door?  Grandma lifts her up and drops in the dime. (Yes, you can still get something for a dime)

The ride begins and all of the sudden Scout starts laughing hysterically! Grandma asks, "what is so funny, Scout?"  "It tickles my V.A.G.I.N.A Grandma!"  Let's just say I am glad I wasn't there. I think, from what I am told, that the entire grocery store went silent. My Mom burst out laughing and so did everyone else.

Clearly, Scout is aware of her body. And, I am getting her a chastity belt, pronto!

A WORLD AWAY

Scout received a beautiful hat, purse and scarf from my Grandmother and Aunt this year for Christmas.  Why am I blogging about this?

My Grandma and Aunt live in New Zealand. It is a long, long way away. My father is from New Zealand and so I have had the good fortune to visit on several occasions. My last visit was in October of 2005. I jumped on a plane with 24 hours notice to my Dad, who was living there then, my Grandma, Grandpa and Aunt Shirley. It was a whim and I knew I had to go; Grandpa was dying.

I spent my life knowing very little about these people. I got cards and gifts at Holiday time and talked with them on the phone a few times through the years. Yet, they were a world away. It was hard to stay connected.

When I went in 2005 I fell in love with my family that I hadn't known most of my life. We had the grandest time, so much laughter and silliness! It was a true reunion and one that I think about almost every day. It took me months to come to terms with what an asshole I'd been over the years - not keeping in touch, not really giving it much thought.  When I had to say goodbye to them, I cried for 17 hours - pretty much the entire flight home.  I told my Grandpa 'I'd seem him on the other side.'  He died soon after. I promised myself that I would 'keep in touch' better and call more when I left.  I did, for about 1 year... and then my calls dwindled. My emails to New Zealand became more and more sparse.  I hated being so far away from the people that I loved!

Back to the scarf. It is the most lovely set.  And without having to DEMAND that Scout wear it, she came out of her room the other day wearing all of it. She looked so adorable. What was tough was that I wanted my Grandma and Aunt Shirl to see her. It broke my heart that they couldn't see how proud she was to wear her little outfit.

Later that evening, I talked to Grandma on the phone.  Scout curiously romped toward me and asked "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO MAMA?" I quickly tried to explain "I am talking to your Great-Grandma, you know, the one that bought you the beautiful hat, scarf and purse you wore today!" Scout grabbed the phone and mumbled into it.  Grandma didn't understand what she was saying but I know it meant the world to her.  When I told her about Scout wearing her gift, I know that also meant the world to her.

Scout and I cuddled that night after we hung up the phone.  She was inquisitive.  "Mommy, how come we can't see Great Grandma?"  Oh, my heart fell.  "Honey, Grandma lives very, very far away" I responded.  "Does she live this far away" Scout held her arms wide apart.  "Yes, honey, she does, she lives that far away."

 Knowing that her concept of space and location wasn't going to grasp distance I tried to redirect the conversation.  "But, how come Great Grandma doesn't come to see me?"  And then the tears started to roll.  "Well, Scout, Great Grandma is a little bit too old to fly on an airplane. She is 92 years old" I beamed!  This didn't seem to matter to Scout.  "Im old too Mommy" she said. I chuckled. The ripe old age of three.

The next day we drove toward preschool and Scout started again. "Mommy, why is Great Grandma old" she asked.  Well, honey, people get old. Time passes.... " and then of course, tears rolled again. I am pretty sure that Scout won't get to meet her Great Grandma. This crushes me. She lives a world apart and it has been something I have known all my life. I never got to REALLY know my Grandma and Grandpa. I am sad for Scout and Sawyer. As I know what it is like to grow up not knowing about your family - and sometimes, until it is too late.

We are so blessed that Scout and Sawyer now have all of their Grandparents.  They interact with Grandma Lizzie and Poppy Ray several times a week.  They know Grandma Joyce and Grandpa Rod. It is really, out of this world, special. Bob and I didn't have access and or time to our Grandparent's growing up. We value these relationships big time.

I cried in the parking lot of Scout's preschool that day. Wishing, wishing that Great Grandma could just do one more flight... just one more.