And just like that... you go from Mom to referee. Sometimes the one that makes good calls. Others, bad ones. But you have to make the call. You are there to keep people safe, from self destruction and hurting others. You are there to keep the game fair to throw penalty flags at the ones not playing by the rules.
I remember the first time I heard Scout and Sawyer laughing at the dinner table. It was as if all of my parenting dreams came to fruition in that moment. Two healthy, happy kids, laughing together at the dinner table. I dreamed about that moment for a long time. It was touching, beautiful and temporary, much like everything is as a human, a parent on this planet. It fades, or changes, or grows.
We are now weaving our way through issues and actions that showed up at my doorstep too early as far as I am concerned. For Scout Second Grade has been tough. Or, at least that is the report I get. Who knows, maybe as mothers we only get the "tough." She struggles with feeling included and important. My guess, they all do. She is learning about conflict and how to navigate difficult people and situations. Scout has a big personality so it comes as no surprise that she is known and someones probably not liked by all - which she desperately wants. She got that people please disease from me. I always wanted to be "liked" by everyone. Easy for me to say now that I am 40... it just doesn't matter; we learn as life goes on that it is impossible to make others happy and, or, like us. We must just be who and what we are. I must remember how vulnerable it feels to be or feel disliked. She is struggling with this. My Mom always told me "Ashley, if someone doesn't like you...it means you are doing something right." It took me years to figure that one out - but I have and I agree. I am proud that she is strong and opinionated. She has a mind of her own. It will serve her well in the years to come.
Scout: Gymnastics, Writing, Reading, Started a Business called Happy Wear (another post), Singing, Piggy, Talking, Friends. She cares so much about the people and the world around her and finds great distress when she sees litter. She picks up trash when we go hiking. Loves the 'Lumineers' and went to her first concert at Red Rocks last August to see them live. Top student.
The kids no longer laugh at the table. They throw things, fight, argue, bicker and then love one another deeply. I like catching the tender moments when Scout is patient with Sawyer and he listens to her as if she is everything.
They are quite the pair. He is all physical. Must.Hit.Kick.Wrestle.ALL.The.Time. She loves to wrestle until she sustains and life changing injury like a bump on her knee. All bets are off.
Sawyer is all boy. Frankly, I have no idea what to do with a boy. I know how to love him. I know how to cuddle, tickle, teach and play. I don't know how to get over the non-stop movement. One, it makes me nervous. It irritates me beyond comprehension. I sometimes want to duct tape him to a chair. Most, shrug it off and say 'its a boy thing.' When he is playing, he plays Superhero, strikes Styrofoam swords and jumps from bed to bed. Being the chill person I am, this is very confusing to me. Bob insists, it is all normal. I think he may have a little Sensory Processing Integration like Scout does. Which makes me cry.
The other day I walked outside and saw this:
I had to laugh. Thankfully, he didn't get stuck. But this explains him and where he is in life to a T. I need to loosen up and bit and let him be a boy. I worry to much (it is my job) and I understand I need to let him be and run, do and play. It is the very thing that makes him so totally different than his sister. Not only is he all boy, he also has a mind of his own and isn't afraid to share it, or not share anything. This too, will serve him well in the coming years.
Sawyer is 4.5 and Scout is 7.5. As soon as the snow lifts we will be celebrating Birthday's again. It is amazing to me who these kids are becoming. They are both so amazing. I am biased because I am there Mom. But I get to say that because it is true and I work damn hard to be the best Mom I can be. I suck at it often and I fail plenty. I catch myself yelling way too much and sometimes, I dream of running away. I no longer grapple with if all this is "normal." I have long stopped caring about NORMAL. There is no such thing.
Sawyer: Gymnastics, Jumping, Kicking, Books, Leapfrog, Superhero's, Heavy Blankets, Painting, Snuggles, Friends, Parties, Cake, Trampolines, the 'Lumineers' (also saw them live at Red Rocks in August), Fast Tickles. He is the scared one. Likes to have someone with him and doesn't like the dark. He wears a headlamp to bed every night and must have a toy in his hands at all times. Athletically gifted.
Our lives are what we construct. By our choosing. We build. We fall. We slip. We fight. We break up fights. We are Referees. But mostly... when I look at the snapshots of my life... I am nothing but proud and grateful. I have the loves of my life at my side and through all the long days, penalty flags and challenges, it is imperfect and I wouldn't change it for anything.
I remember the first time I heard Scout and Sawyer laughing at the dinner table. It was as if all of my parenting dreams came to fruition in that moment. Two healthy, happy kids, laughing together at the dinner table. I dreamed about that moment for a long time. It was touching, beautiful and temporary, much like everything is as a human, a parent on this planet. It fades, or changes, or grows.
We are now weaving our way through issues and actions that showed up at my doorstep too early as far as I am concerned. For Scout Second Grade has been tough. Or, at least that is the report I get. Who knows, maybe as mothers we only get the "tough." She struggles with feeling included and important. My guess, they all do. She is learning about conflict and how to navigate difficult people and situations. Scout has a big personality so it comes as no surprise that she is known and someones probably not liked by all - which she desperately wants. She got that people please disease from me. I always wanted to be "liked" by everyone. Easy for me to say now that I am 40... it just doesn't matter; we learn as life goes on that it is impossible to make others happy and, or, like us. We must just be who and what we are. I must remember how vulnerable it feels to be or feel disliked. She is struggling with this. My Mom always told me "Ashley, if someone doesn't like you...it means you are doing something right." It took me years to figure that one out - but I have and I agree. I am proud that she is strong and opinionated. She has a mind of her own. It will serve her well in the years to come.
Scout: Gymnastics, Writing, Reading, Started a Business called Happy Wear (another post), Singing, Piggy, Talking, Friends. She cares so much about the people and the world around her and finds great distress when she sees litter. She picks up trash when we go hiking. Loves the 'Lumineers' and went to her first concert at Red Rocks last August to see them live. Top student.
The kids no longer laugh at the table. They throw things, fight, argue, bicker and then love one another deeply. I like catching the tender moments when Scout is patient with Sawyer and he listens to her as if she is everything.
They are quite the pair. He is all physical. Must.Hit.Kick.Wrestle.ALL.The.Time. She loves to wrestle until she sustains and life changing injury like a bump on her knee. All bets are off.
Sawyer is all boy. Frankly, I have no idea what to do with a boy. I know how to love him. I know how to cuddle, tickle, teach and play. I don't know how to get over the non-stop movement. One, it makes me nervous. It irritates me beyond comprehension. I sometimes want to duct tape him to a chair. Most, shrug it off and say 'its a boy thing.' When he is playing, he plays Superhero, strikes Styrofoam swords and jumps from bed to bed. Being the chill person I am, this is very confusing to me. Bob insists, it is all normal. I think he may have a little Sensory Processing Integration like Scout does. Which makes me cry.
The other day I walked outside and saw this:
I had to laugh. Thankfully, he didn't get stuck. But this explains him and where he is in life to a T. I need to loosen up and bit and let him be a boy. I worry to much (it is my job) and I understand I need to let him be and run, do and play. It is the very thing that makes him so totally different than his sister. Not only is he all boy, he also has a mind of his own and isn't afraid to share it, or not share anything. This too, will serve him well in the coming years.
Sawyer is 4.5 and Scout is 7.5. As soon as the snow lifts we will be celebrating Birthday's again. It is amazing to me who these kids are becoming. They are both so amazing. I am biased because I am there Mom. But I get to say that because it is true and I work damn hard to be the best Mom I can be. I suck at it often and I fail plenty. I catch myself yelling way too much and sometimes, I dream of running away. I no longer grapple with if all this is "normal." I have long stopped caring about NORMAL. There is no such thing.
Sawyer: Gymnastics, Jumping, Kicking, Books, Leapfrog, Superhero's, Heavy Blankets, Painting, Snuggles, Friends, Parties, Cake, Trampolines, the 'Lumineers' (also saw them live at Red Rocks in August), Fast Tickles. He is the scared one. Likes to have someone with him and doesn't like the dark. He wears a headlamp to bed every night and must have a toy in his hands at all times. Athletically gifted.
Our lives are what we construct. By our choosing. We build. We fall. We slip. We fight. We break up fights. We are Referees. But mostly... when I look at the snapshots of my life... I am nothing but proud and grateful. I have the loves of my life at my side and through all the long days, penalty flags and challenges, it is imperfect and I wouldn't change it for anything.
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| Brining Flowers to Grandma |
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| The Polar Express - December 2013 |
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| Handmade/Homemade Marketplace Event |
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| Beaver Creek Handstands - Thanksgiving 2013 |
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| My Superhero and his friends - Christmas 2013 |
Ashely, I was fortunate to have been at the Urban Campfire this past week and listen to your amazing story. Thank you for sharing the REAL you and for inspiring so many. I hope to come into contact with you again very soon! Many blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteDear Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI was fortunate enough to listen to you speak at Urban Campfire this past week. Thank you for sharing your story with us and thanks for being the REAL you! You are an inspiration, especially to another mama like myself who has struggled being a mom. I hope to come into contact with you again in the near future. Thanks for doing what you do! Many blessings!